ScavOlympics

(performed on Mother's Day 2000 on the Quad and her environs, unless indicated otherwise)

1. In honour of our Greek ancestors, since, as we know, we're all descended from the Greeks--hell, even the Gawain-poet goes off on this, and he's, like, from Knights' Ages--we shall begin the Judgment with a medley race. IN BED. [50 points for first place, 25 points for second place, 10 points for third place, and 2 points for good-faith participation]
   1. Is that nag Echo still saying my name? Run a lap backwards, staring at yourself in a mirror.

   2. Perhaps in disguise Hera will never find me! Next lap? Next runner is dressed as his favourite judge. The runner must yell ``I want to be (this judge) so that I may impregnate Leda!'' All the way around. Should the favourite judge be female, we'll be content with ``I want to be (this judge) so that I may tell Orion to put it back in his pants!'' (Orion having lusted after the totally crush-worthy Artemis.)

   3. I detest Troy. Troy is a boil on the toe of humanity. You get the idea. Disparage and denigrate an opposing team creatively while running this lap.

   4. At least Sisyphus's rock was a total unit. Yes, now take a lap, carrying no less than $100 in nickels.

   5. I can't have stolen Apollo's oxen, for I am but a babe. This time, a teammember must be carried like little Hermes was. Be glad we didn't say ``like baby Dionysos was.''

   6. Chronos! Stop eating the baby! During this lap, eat your spawn, which, luckily, have the shape, texture, and appearance of cocktail-weiner sandwiches. Note, however, that though Chronos only had six children, your seed has planted enough sprouts to last the whole lap.

   7. Forget it. Run this lap like the Greeks used to run their races.

2. This is our obligatory The Professional item. You fill up a vessel with an area of at least 2 square metres and with a depth of at least 5 centimetres with milk, and drink it all. No cups, no mugs allowed...the judges can throw cookies at them if the team provides them. [50 points for first place, 25 points for second place, 10 points for third place, and 2 points for good-faith participation]

3. Never before has boy wanted more. At the captain's meeting, your team must present a teammember for weigh-in, barely clothed. At the end of the ScavOlympics, this teammember will be weighed again. The idea? That teammember better have put on a whole lot of weight. [50 points for the largest weight difference, 25 points for second largest, 10 points for third, and 2 points for good-faith participation]

4. Le Troisième Fumerama, en Trois Partes. [Points will be given based on speed of reduction of the smokes to butts and on total butts smoked. 50 points for first place, 25 points for second place, 10 points for third place, and 2 points for good-faith participation]
   1. Acquire a sum of cigarettes deemed ``obscene.''
   2. Insert the cigarettes into a single apparatus which either can be constructed, or can just be a person's mouth. The cigarettes must remain intact.
   3. Smoke 'em, since you got 'em.

5. Burm-A-Launch. This is not a stock event. A can of shaving cream--not gel, cream--can be modified in any way to make it propel the cream the farthest of all the teams. The cream is the only substance that may be propelled, so no launching model rockets with whole cans--or even a baggie-full of cream--attached. Only the cream can move along the $x$ axis. [50 points for first place, 25 points for second place, 10 points for third place, and 2 points for good-faith participation]

6. Mud Julius. Your team blends up their team's very own smoothie-type-thing and brings it to the judges on Sunday. You can use anything: anything, that is, you'd be willing to drink yourselves. One person from each team enters a random drawing, and the first person to finish the quart they've drawn wins. The only catch is that you may get your own. So be careful. [50 points for first place, 25 points for second place, 10 points for third place, and 2 points for good-faith participation]

7. Pelotons. Each team must form a peloton with at least 7 members. The peloton must then take a lap around the ``B-School Quad.'' Points will be given for both largest peloton and fastest finish (that is, the last member of the peloton who crosses's time). If the peloton falls apart, you lose points. Cohesion of the peloton is judged by the judge. [50 points for first place, 25 points for second place, 10 points for third place, and 2 points for good-faith participation. 26 bonus points for pulling cyclists from the race around the Midway. 16 bonus points for a row of fans ready with drinks for your Peloton. -10 bonus points for serving coffee. 0 points for road rash]

8. The Whirling Dervish. A team member from each team spins in place. Competitors not spinning fast enough (as deemed by the judges) will be disqualified. The last competitor to stop spinning wins the competition. [50 points for first place, 25 points for second place, 10 points for third place, and 2 points for good-faith participation]

9. Teem kaptin speling B. During the Scavolympics, the team captains will gather--each wearing a three-cornered cap--and face each other in a spelling bee. [50 points for first place, 25 points for second place, 10 points for third place, and 2 points for good-faith participation]

10. It's time to crush some glass and get ready for real high-flying excitement. Your team has to build a kite equipped for battle, and then fly it in our Samurai Battle Kite Battle on Saturday at 5 p.m. Only kites may contact other kites. No kiteflyers contacting other kiteflyers. A charming way to spend a Saturday afternoon, this Battle rewards the last kite left standing. All battlers, additionally, must remain on the same patch of the Midway during their battling. In case of inclement weather, suck it up. [50 points for first place, 25 points for second place, 10 points for third place, and 2 points for good-faith participation]

11. ScavPong. At http://scavhunt.uchicago.edu/pong, we have a pong game for you. Play it. [70 points for the first team to reach a play time of over 36 hours. 50 points for the second, 20 points for the third, and 2 points for all teams that reach 10 hours]

12. A slowing comes across the sky. Build an item that can fly unassisted and enter it in our race. The last item to cross the finish line is the winner, just like in golf. [ 50 points for last place, 25 points for penultimate place, 10 points for antepenultimate place, and 2 points for getting something in the air]

13. AssRace. A race across some sod on the Quad. Each team may enter one contestant who has to cross a section of the Quad-sod with only their ass touching the ground (this includes body parts touching via clothing, shoes, etc.). Other members of the team can help, but they cannot be on the grass. The ass, itself, can only make contact with the Quad-sod via either bare, sweet, naked assness, or the most negligible of cloth covering, to maintain a sweet sense of decency, or rather, of bare, sweet, naked assness. [50 points for first place, 25 points for second place, 10 points for third place, and 2 points for good-faith participation]

14. Sexadecimal fizz-buzz. Each team fields one counter, who joins the other teams in counting up, in sexadecimal. But in this version, numbers that are multiples of 5 (base-10) are said as ``fizz'' and numbers that are multiples of 7 (base-10) are said as ``buzz.'' If you miss a number, miscount, or whatever, then you sit. Full of shame. [50 points for first place, 25 points for second place, 10 points for third place, and 2 points for good-faith participation]

15. Hit me baby one more time! Britney Spears is, luckily, on your team. So is Christina Aguilera. While singing, and slinging Jell-O, they will show who, truly, deserves the Golden Mouseketeer Ears. That earlier part, about the slinging of Jell-O, must happen. We will determine superior performances based upon the following criteria: similarity in appearance, demeanour, and singing ability to each super star, eagerness with which each star tries to dim the other (with, again, Jell-O), and, on top of everything, incorporation of simultaneous dance sequences and musically timed finishing moves. [50 points for first place, 25 points for second place, 10 points for third place, and 2 points for good-faith participation]

16. We close the ScavOlympics with a chance for your team's chef's skills to be celebrated forever. Your chef, dressed in a manner befitting an Iron Chef, will compete with the other teams' chefs to create a series of dishes that best exemplifies our theme ingredient. The ingredient will be released at 10 a.m. The preparation will occur on the Quad, so bring your Colemans along. Tasting, by a special panel of judges which includes a fortune teller, will begin at noon. [150 points for first place, 100 points for second place, 75 points for third place, and 20 points for good-faith participation. 200 bonus points if you get Ming Tsai, Emeril Lagasse, Mario Batali, or Bobby Flay to be a guest judge. -200 points if Bobby brings along Jacqui. 60 bonus points if Bobby jumps on top of a table and starts to chant ``USA! USA! USA!'' 34 bonus points if you get any of these guest judges to actually be your team's designated challenger chef. 30 bonus points if you create identifiably Portuguese dishes, and 20 extra bonus points if you have Emeril gush over them, saying they're just like the kind his mother used to make back in ``Fa' Hreevuh.'' 13 bonus points if you create a hot meal without using a stove or anything involving plugs or fire. 90 bonus points if you can present Emeril stone cold sober. 35 bonus points if Chairman Kaga sues us for defamation of character, and 50 extra bonus points if he appears in person. 20 bonus points if Chairman Kaga finishes declaring his summons with a rendition of ``What Have I Done'' from Les Misérables, and 50 extra bonus points if he closes with a few lines from ``Castle on a Cloud.'']