Scavolympics

(performed on Mother's Day 1998 in Ida Noyes Hall and her environs, unless indicated otherwise)

1. The Great Midway Relay. [50 points for first place, 45 for second place, and 40 for third place]

   Leg 1

   Blubberderby: Teammembers, decked in the lubrication of their choice (points deducted if it contains animal products), as well as in rollerblades and helmets, take a lap. Scanty dress is required.

   Leg 2

   Montezuma's Revenge Dash: A male teammember, his pants around his ankles, takes a lap.

   Leg 3

   Cartman's Leg: Wheelbarrow a lap (two person maximum).

   Leg 4

   Light the Scavolympic Eternal Flame: Walk like an Egyptian. Then take a lap.

2. The Great Squirrel Summon. To be held on the Main Quads Saturday at 3pm. Each team will mark out one 10´ x 10´ area and must bring own equipment to measure and mark area. Clean up afterwards is mandatory, and teams may not injure any person or animal. Squirrel calls and pheromones may be used, but no restraining devices. [5 points per squirrel within the region during Judge's passing by]

3. Bill Gates Look-A-Like Contest. Have the correct demeanor and accessories. Horns to be proper length. 5 Bonus points for singing ``Start Me Up.'' Remember cream pies for smashing. [15 points for first place, 10 for second place, 5 for third place]

4. Team Captain Simon Says. [15 points for first place, 10 for second place, 5 for third place]

5. Ceremony involving no less than 15 people and lasting no more than 5 minutes, to open the University of Chicago to its true purpose and nature, drive out impurities, and ensure its moral, spiritual, and academic health. Stay within the traditions of Western or Near Eastern sorcery, and use at least 3 ancient languages either spoken or written. Use no animals. Penalties for calling up uncontrolled hostile spirits. To be performed Saturday afternoon, after Squirrel Summon. [25 points]

6. A Three-Person, Four-Legged Race. [15 points for first place, 10 for second place, 5 for third place]

7. Hands Across The Midway. East/West direction. [2 points per person. 2 bonus points per dean or dorm front desk staff member. 8 bonus points for Gwen Anderson and/or minor celebrities (example: ``Baywatch'' cast members who don't get their own jiggle-licious montage during the opening credit sequence)]

8. Sack Race (wearing nothing but sack). [15 points for first place, 10 for second place, 5 for third place]

9. Waterskiing on the Midway. We want movement, bathing suits, a boathorn, and a laidback sun-tanned lifestyle. [1-40 points, scaled on realism of depiction]

10. CriscoTwister! A teammember from each team must compete to be the last left standing in a lubed game o' Twister. Each team must provide the delicious shortening and their own Twister board. [15 points for first place, 10 for second place, 5 for third place, 5 bonus points for the cutest bathing suit]

11. Sumo-Style Suit Rasslin'. Two teammembers, wearing suits, rolling around in the mud to find out whose turn it is to be disciplined. Extra points for authentic Italian suits and participation from the rest of the team in the form of vegetable pelting. [30 points for first place, 20 for second place, 10 for third place--to be awarded based on the archaic niceness-of-suit:muddiness-of-fighter ratio]

12. Lard Sammiches. Remember the great taste of lard and bread that your sweet mommy used to put in your lunchbox on the way to kindergarten? Recreate it! [5 points per sandwich. 6 sandwich maximum. 10 bonus points for washing it down with 64 oz. of Yoo-hoo. 0 bonus points for vomiting]

13. In the Law School Fountain, a four-lap medley relay race (backstroke, butterfly, breaststroke, freestyle) by four teammembers completely shaven and greased up. [25 points for first place, 20 for second place, 15 for third place]

14. Slinky race down the 1st set of stairs in Ida Noyes Hall. Regulation slinky is required. [15 points for first place, 10 points for second place, 5 points for third place]

15. Gravitronic Smoking Apparatus Smoke-off. Each team must provide a teammember, a 3-liter apparatus (called in street argot a ``gravity bong''), and a bag of ``tobacco.'' Judges will be responsible for packing and drawing, and places will be determined by number of pulls accomplished. [50 points for first place, 45 points for second place, 40 points for third place]

16. On Saturday, between 1:00pm and 3:00pm, Judges will be waiting for your team's representative at the Gintaras Club. In order to earn the bare minimum of points, a round of drinks must be purchased for the house. There may be other ways to earn bonus points. [45 points]

17. Netsex a Judge Friday night (instructions to be distributed Friday night). [20 points for most overwhelming performance. Everyone else just gets to whine, typing with one hand]