Who's never going to give you up?
These guys!

Jim Ryan
Scavenczar


Jim wakes up in the morning,
does his teeth bite to eat and he's rolling
watches an episode or two of Friends
and Seinfeld if he has time.

He thinks
Metallica hasn't sold out yet
The economy's awesome
And Bill Clinton's a Man-Whore

Never chances the tape in his boom box
Which has been playing Alanis Morissette
Since she won the Grammy.

Take Jim Ryan Out of the 90s and put him into 2008
Not necessarily a quietier time
But a time when he can bestow upon the world
His powers as

SHIT-THAT-CAME-OUT-IN-THE-90s-WAS-TOTALLY-AWESOME MAN!

With his Gibson ES of Doom, STCOITNWTAM will rain destruction upon your George Bushes, your Miley Cyruses, and your respective Scav Teams while simultaneously pelting you with Ormitha Macarounada and blasting you with his favorite DMB Album. Thank god STCOITNWTAM isn't in charge of running the Hunt... for if it were so, we would all be in great, great danger.

Oh, wait...

Jonathan Williams
Keeper of the Scrolls, Clark

Jonathan the Bouncy Ball

After one too many nights consumed within the deepest mire of graduate student work, exposed to the deadly wibbles, mild-mannered Jonathan Williams found, to his great amazement an astounding ability had been unlocked within his mutated genes. Whilst retiring from the dangerous wibbl-ation, his thoughts turned to the small pink ball he bounced idly beside him. Focusing intently upon the properties of this explicably chaotic figure as it plummeted downwards just beyond his reach caused Williams to tumble from his rolling chair, whereupon he exploded forth with such elasticity he promptly ricocheted off of the ceiling, desk, and the Internet before gaining tremendous bouncing speed. Bursting forth into the night as a significantly larger pink superball Williams forever eschewed the siren song of academia to pursue his true calling as The Super Ball. In his brief career Williams soon found the daring and intrigue of the Super life style to his liking, though he did have a tendency to bounce off into the night with slightly less control than he may have liked. Using his newfound if somewhat chaotic power to suit whatever mood strikes his supreme bounciness, Williams has been both praised as the deliverance of the human race as well as its condemner. After saving humanity from imminent alien invasion time and again by bouncing between the surface of the earth and the craft hovering about the planet before exploding them into tiny bits, Williams has come to consider the possibility of interstellar travel with his elastic powers.

Christian! Kammerer
Sir Ector

Patrick Augustine
Griswold

The Trickster has been playing his goddamn tricks on the heroes of Chicago since 1991, when he gifted a svelt young Mayor Daley with a defective pair of drop-bottom parachute pants, ruining Daley's self-esteem forever. The Trickster is probably from an unknown dimension or a magic land or something. I wouldn't put it beneath the little bastard. His M.O. includes mail fraud, stealing tack and livery from area stables, making "trickshkes" (trick kishkes filled with haggis) for use as weapons, and public nudity. He can only be defeated by being tricked into saying his name backwards, minus the first B. You have to get him to say "Nosnhoj Eebelbmu".

Jennifer Crowell
Minister of Propaganda

Jenn’s power is ailuranthropy, the ability to become a cat. She can transform into either a housecat or a human-panther hybrid (a werecat). In her panther form, she has superhuman strength, speed, agility, reflexes, coordination, balance, and endurance in addition to hyper-keen senses, razor-sharp claws and fangs, a prehensile tail, and a slight healing factor. Jenn also has the ability to walk up walls. Her personality is that of a free spirit. She was abandoned at birth, probably due to her apparent mutation, and was raised by cats. In fact, Jenn thought herself to be a cat with the ability to take human form. She is highly intelligent, and learned to speak and read within a single year. Jenn is very animalistic, to the point of catching her own food. It appears that even in human form, Jenn on rare occasions retains some feline attributes, including her tail.

William Volk
Vampire

Baron Wilhelm von Volk

Born to an elderly father in a small village in Southern Argentina, Baron Volk never knew his mother; she disappeared during a mysterious alpaca stampede at the Mendoza Zoo. Young Bill was schooled at home in a typically Teutonic manner, and after his father disappeared during the night from his job at the area abattoir when Bill was twelve, he was forced to set out on his own.

Bill would find inspiration from an unlikely source. While drunkenly rambling through the streets of Buenos Aires at age 14, he caught a few minutes of a Charlie Brown special on an electronics store television. Bill developed a deep admiration for Snoopy's unseen antagonist, the Red Baron, and that night the local dog pound would be torched as the furious young man screamed "Damn you all!"

By age 15 Bill had taken the name Baron Wilhelm von Volk, and had been in and out of prison on animal cruelty charges (unsurprisingly against beagles most commonly). He would later reflect on this time and remark that, "It was some of my father coming through in me," although this statement is not well-understood.

The Baron made his way by steamship from Rio de Janeiro to Miami when he was 16, where he branched out in his villainous ways. His first action recognized by the International Committee on Evildoing was a level 5 R9 (ICE:R9.5-2002-3A50E) involving a passenger train and surplus Celltrex wafers from an earlier incident from his newfound friend The Controller (R7.3-2001-E45). He committed other minor incidents throughout 2002 and 2003, without gaining particular notoriety outside the places he operated (first southern Biscayne and then eastern Allegheny when The Controller's Miami hideout was discovered by Calcion).

His first action to warrant a dispatch from ICE-CCOM was his betrayal of The Controller at the Marcus-Leetsdale Forge. The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's villainry expert, Mark Sturtz, wrote of the incident: "It's good to see a fresh face on the scene, but really, Baron? The authorities described the scene as 'straight out of Terminator'. We hope to see more inventive evil out of you in the coming months."

While Mr. Sturtz proved resilient to the Baron's assassination attempts (as reporters so often do), the truth of the matter is that Society of American Evil activity in Allegheny had been over-populated. To combat this, the Baron, now a SAE-III evil-doer, was transferred to Dearborn to apprentice under Kraang. He would over the subsequent three years pull off some impressive heists (such as the Monroe Vault Theft [ICE:T1.2-2005-599E] and the Bolingbrook Bank Bust of 2006 [ICE:T2.1-2006-1E2]) as well as four level 2 acts of general mayhem and evil.

As is SAE custom, upon completion of the apprenticeship program, the Baron attempted a level 0 act of his choosing. Of course, these rarely are successful (as less than 10% are), but the Baron's failsafe mechanism did activate, resulting in a level 1 contamination of 450 square miles of Lake Michigan for over two days (see ICE:E13.1-2006-A16 and ICE bulletin 2006-DE-3144).

The Baron was emboldened by his partial success, but was forced into hiding for several months to reverse the damage done by The Minister's forceguns. By mid-2007, he had returned to Chicagoland to claim his place in Dearborn history. His current operations are somewhat low-key fundraising activities (mainly level 2 or 3 T1 or T2 acts), and seem to be operating from somewhere on the South Side of Chicago. His last act of evil was in February - ICE:A22.4-2008-2C31D, a minor incident involving a deserted pizza parlor and hundreds of puppies. Sources indicate, however, that he is planning some sort of action slated for mid-2008.

William Deitz

Late one night, while traveling through Uchicago’s local Indian Graveyard, WILL DEITZ, noted minimalist and friend to all living things, was beset upon by a radioactive record executives, the result of a fusion crossover mix gone horribly, horribly wrong. Reeling from the numerous bites and mild case of lockjaw, Will soon discovered that he had powers, magical powers, wonderful powers, nigh- omnipotent powers able to do anything that Will could think of… exactly once. Shoot a fireball? Certainly, but you only get one. Ever. Leap tall buildings in a single bound? Sure… emphasis on single. Survive a nuclear explosion? Of course… just don’t be at both Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Still, even with this caveat Will donned superheroic apparel, and shouldered the limited responsibility that came with such limitedly great powers. So now, Will, or as the newpapers have dubbed him, THE ONE HIT WONDER! should be seeing a lot of airtime over the next couple of months, and possibly participate in a Christmas album of some kind, before petering out into semi-retirement… Be sure to read his exploits in seven years, where Will may be able to reuse all his powers, provided he does so ironically! ONE HIT WONDER... AWAY!

Sam Boyd

THE GREASEFIRE

Little is known about the Greasefire's family history; with the exception of a few non-canonical "What If...?" series, his story nearly always begins with our hero being kidnapped from the maternity ward of Wendt Hospital by the monks of a monastery in the mountains outside Capitol City, USA. There Sam (so named by the monks after their Uncle) became skilled in the arts of jujitsu, rhetoric, civics, and dishwashing (because monks always do their share of the housework). He had a happy, if austere, childhood, for the monks were always kind to him, allowing to keep a pet bald emu ("Soy"), and he had plenty of space to frolic in the courtyards.

By the age of 16, however, Sam began to feel restless; the monks' lessons had taken a bizarre turn in the last few years, emphasizing the importance of patriotic jewelry, the gold standard, and YouTube, which at the time was not even known outside the monastery. He became increasingly annoyed at the inane conversations the monks held over dinner. One night, the abbot gestured for quiet at the table, then began a joke about a Latino and a Jesuit. Before the abbot could reach the punchline (which most authors starting a new Greasefire series, regardless of how the joke was set up in their particular part of the Multiverse, record to have been "A football!"), Sam stood up, threw his turkey leg to the ground, shouted "YOU ARE ALL SO FUCKING SATISFIED WITH YOURSELVES!", and ran from the dining hall. The monks never heard from him again.

Arriving in Capitol City with no money, no family, only Soy for a friend, and only one marketable job skill, Sam forged a GED, enrolled at a local college, and settled into a job washing dishes at Bob Evans to pay for his tuition. The work was lonely, since the waitresses and line cooks never spoke to the dishwashers, and the only response the other dishwasher ever gave to Sam's small-talk questions was "fuckity Bob Evans!" It paid the bills, however, and Sam found himself closing up shop night after night, often taping exam review sheets to the deep-fryer so that he might study as he scrubbed.

At about 11 o'clock the night of his nineteenth birthday (though of course he did not know it was his birthday), an intense lightning storm passed through Capitol City. Sam was cleaning up alone, as usual. Suddenly, a sludgy voice began to speak. "THGHRHHAEEAAAAHNNKJKJ YEUYEYYYYUUUOOOOUUUUUUU," it said. "WTF," said Sam Boyd. "FFFFFGGHHHFFFFOOOOOOHRRRR EEEHHDDDYUUUUUUCXXAAAAATTTTIIIUHHNNNG MEEEEEEE," said the voice. It was coming from the deep fryer. "SOO MAEHNY NIIIGHTS I SAAAHT HEEERE ALOOONE. OOONNLLLYYYY YUOOOUUUU HAAAVE EVEERRRR GGGIIIHHVVEN MEEE THINGGSSS TO REEEEEEEAADD." Lightning began to course in through the Bob Evans windows, to the deep-fryer, as if the deep-fryer had summoned it. Sam remembered the study sheets he'd taped to the deep-fryer, and shrugged. "FORRR THISSSS I SHAAAHLLLLLL REEEPPAAAAAAAAYYYY YOOOOOUUUUUUU...." it said, and connected the lightning to Sam very dramatically. "NOW YOU HAVE THE POWER TO MANIPULATE MY ELEMENT!" said the deep-fryer when it was done shocking him. "S-Steel?" said Sam. "That's-that's pretty cool, I guess." "USE... ITT... WISELYY," said the deep-fryer, and powered down with a noise like a 1960's computer might make.

Unfortunately, when Sam came home that night to the small apartment he and Soy shared, he was unable to bend the spoons in the kitchen, levitate the radiator in the living room, or even budge the old Honda sitting outside. Only when he walked to the refrigerator to get some leftover Cholie's and the pizza leapt out of the fridge to him before he could open the door did Sam realize what the deep-fryer had meant: Sam had been given the power to manipulate grease against the laws of physics, not steel.

The next morning, Sam was fired from his job because the deep-fryer had stopped working. Upset at his loss of income and his unexpectedly lame new superpower, he threw himself into his schoolwork. Over time, thankfully for the citizens of Capitol City, he came to realize that his powers were actually quite useful ("It's not so bad," he tells a confidante in Hot Side Hot #63; "it's basically exactly like being Iceman, except I have to light it on fire for it to actually kill anyone, and the ladies aren't as into the power itself but it does enable me to keep my PBF at like 8% without spending too much time working out."). By day, he is Sam Boyd, the student journalist. By night, he is.... THE GREASEFIRE.

Name: The Greasefire
Given Name: Sam Boyd
Sidekick: Soy (bald emu)
Powers and Abilities: Can move or levitate any lipid at arbitrary speeds simply by willing it to move; streams of grease can then be lit on fire so it's almost like he can shoot fire, but not really. Can also simply use oil slicks to cause supervillains to undergo comic pratfalls. Skilled in Monk Jujitsu.
Awesome Transportation: Laser-bunked limo yurts
Weakness: Miracle fruit. Seriously, his archnemesis sneaked it onto the list last year and he was actually hugely relieved nobody got it, but he had to act all pissed so nobody would suspect it was his weakness.

Nick Poulos

The AAV-24X Model ArcLAX Siege Nick

In the period following the Franchise Wars, the powerful Conglom-O Corporation made several ruthless attempts to tighten its stranglehold over the American economy and rid itself of the better-defended oligarchs standing in its way. To this end, Conglom-O scientists sought to create the ultimate killing machine. They succeeded—but perhaps all too well. Fusing human and Snorlax DNA, they created a hybrid monstrosity capable of bearing immense weight, encased the beast in money bin-grade impervium alloy, mounted a Mjolnir-class artillery cannon on its back, and affixed magnetotreads in place of its hind limbs. But in their mad pride they did not stop there. Using illegally obtained advance ArcGIS 12.4 software, they gave it the power to launch tactical artillery strikes with pinpoint accuracy, causing maximum devastation while remaining just at the edge of the blast radius. To their sorrow, its creators learned too late that during field-testing, their command compound fell squarely within that radius.

Equipped with cutting edge cloaking technology featuring a chameleonic refractor for infiltration missions, the ArcLAX Siege Nick can disguise itself as an ordinary human, Ford Aerostar van, or, perhaps most terrifyingly of all, an ordinary human in a Ford Aerostar van. While no target has survived direct assault by the Siege Nick, bystanders near the site of attacks have reported hearing MIDI versions of “One Little Spark” and “Tomorrow’s Child” shortly before the explosions began. Following the fiery destruction of the test facility, all references to “Project A.M.A.S.N.” have been expunged from company records. The Siege Nick itself has proven rather more difficult to eliminate, however, and has thus far destroyed not only seven Conglom-O Special Ops squads sent against it, but also the Conglom-O main office in Boston and its CEO’s “undisclosed location” in a Wilmette bunker complex. Mass exodus by frightened employees at the company’s surviving facilities has caused precipitous drops in Conglom-O stock, with most of the depreciated shares bought out by a shadowy group known as “ScavCorp”. As the once mighty multinational lies in ruins, the remaining members of the Conglom-O Board of Directors can do naught but watch and wait until the time when their Judgment is meted out in a salvo of trans-ionic missiles and hyper beams.

Kate Lipkowitz

St. Katherine of the Little Birds

In a distant land, in the midst of a distant and long-forgotten war, St. Katherine of the Little Birds was born. Like Moses in the bulrushes, her parents sent her down a river in a crudely woven basket in hopes that she would find a better life just around the riverbend. However, being as this was a time of war and they were quite busy worrying about other things (e.g. not dying), the parents of St. Katherine realized only several days later that the river into which they had deposited their only child ran directly into heart of a deep, dark, and entirely uninhabited forest. Some consider St. Katherine’s first miracle to consist of simply surviving that journey down the rocky rapid-ridden river, where every turn was endangered by low-hanging branches and grizzly bears waiting to swipe her tiny basket out of the water like a plump young salmon. After several days of danger, however, the river became a creek, the creek petered out into a puddle, and St. Katherine found herself stranded in a peaceful glade. Frightened, bruised, and hungry, the child began to cry. Her lonely wails echoed through the forest, attracting flocks of tiny birds curious to see what manner of creature could produce such marvelous sounds. Her sweet voice, small stature, and nascent yet obviously exquisite fashion sense enamoured her to the little birds, and she was soon taken under their collective wing.

Raised by the tiny birds on a diet of worms and berries, St. Katherine grew up strong and beautiful. She might have lived the rest of her life in the peace and calm of the forest, but for a scheming band of poachers which spotted the ethereal young woman flitting throughout the woods and decided to kidnap her to be sold as some feral curiosity. Although her faithful avian family attempted to help her in the violent struggle that ensued, the poachers managed to trap St. Katherine and haul her away to the lowest and filthiest of freak shows. If they had known that she would begin to work miracles immediately upon arrival in the wretched world of men, they would have perhaps negotiated a better price. As St. Katherine was shown in city after city with a cohorts of bearded ladies, ten-ton-men, and persons both of Siamese descent and configuration, rumors about the wonders she worked followed her like the trail of dust thrown up by the wheels of the carriage pulling her cage. In one small hamlet, her song was said to have cured a man of blindness, leprosy, impetigo, veneral disease, and the dreaded fainting doxy. The nuns of a certain convent found that the profits of their once-suffering macramé wine bottle cozy business tripled after they had seen St. Katherine perform. These miracles were unknown to St. Katherine and thus brought her little joy. Every day, her longing to return to the lush forests and ample boughs of her youth grew and grew, until one fateful matinee. The drunken crowd swayed and pressed against the bars of St. Katherine’s cage, their hands grasping greedily at the beautiful creature within. Frustrated, nauseated, and distressingly unkempt, St. Katherine let loose a call unlike any the audience had ever heard. The rage flashing in her eyes was to be the last sight they would ever see – in moments, a flock of several thousand goldfinches descended upon the crowd and pecked out each one of their eyes. One small child hiding under a conveniently placed tarp was the only witness to St. Katherine’s final miracle, in which she apparently launched herself through the roof of her cage and flew away in a glorious phalanx of ecstatic nuthatches. She was never seen again.

Emily Watkins

Scaven Girl (Emily Watkins) is a fictional superhero in the Marvel Universe. Her first appearance was in Marvel Super-Heroes vol. 2, #8 (Jan. 1992), in a story plotted and drawn by George Takei and scripted by Arthur Schlesinger. Her ability to control scavvies is surprisingly powerful, and has allowed her to defeat major supervillains. She later became a member of the Great Hunt Initiative.

Publication history

Scaven Girl was created by George Takei and Arthur Schlesinger, making her debut appearance in "The Coming of Scaven Girl" in Marvel Super-Heroes vol. 2, #8 (Jan. 1992). She ambushes the superhero Iron Man, teams up with him, and, after Iron Man is captured, defeats the villainous Doctor Doom. The story introduces her squirrel sidekick, Monkey Joe.

Scaven Girl did not appear again for over a decade, existing primarily as a matter of trivia or as an example of either a poorly conceived character or an act of deliberate satire by Takei. She was referenced only once in comics during that time: In Deadpool #7, Deadpool's friend/maid/mother-figure/prisoner Blind Al mentions accidentally putting "bleach in with [Deadpool's] Scaven Girl underoos."

In 2005, comic writer Ian McEwan wrote a four-issue miniseries for the superhero team the Great Hunt Avengers. Created in 1989, this team was made up of enthusiastic heroes with bizarre and almost-but-not-quite useless abilities. They had appeared only a handful of times over their 16-year history, serving as comic relief. In commemoration of the team's series, roster changes were made and the Scaven Girl character was revived and included on the team. The miniseries satirized comic book deaths, and it was announced that a team member would die in every issue. After Scaven Girl made a fuss to ensure that Monkey Joe would be an official member of the team, he was killed in the third issue.

During 2006's Civil War company-wide story arc, Scaven Girl and the rest of the team fought Deadpool in Cable & Deadpool #30. In 2007, she and the newly renamed "Great Hunt Initiative" again appeared alongside Deadpool in the Deadpool/GHI Summer Fun Spectacular one-shot.

Fictional character biography

Scaven Girl is originally from the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania area. She is first seen ambushing Iron Man in a forest. She hopes to impress the veteran hero, wishing him to take her under his wing as his sidekick. The 14 year old mutant introduces herself and her pet squirrel Monkey Joe, and displays her various abilities (all of which are Scaven-themed).

Unimpressed, Iron Man politely declines, when suddenly the duo is attacked by Doctor Doom in a large aircraft. Doom captures and subdues Iron Man, and flies over the ocean where he plans to dispose of Iron Man's body once he kills him. Underestimating her, Doom leaves Scaven Girl to her own devices. She devises a plan, and uses her ability to communicate with scavvies through an open door as the ship passes over a forest. Hundreds of scavvies answer her call and flood Doom's ship, chewing through the wires, and swamping the evil dictator with their furry bodies, causing Doom to exclaim: "Confound these wretched students! For every one I fling away, a dozen more vex me!" Iron Man is freed, the duo emerges victorious, and the two heroes then go their separate ways.

Scaven Girl is next seen years later, having relocated to Chicago for what is acknowledged as no clear reason. While fighting crime in Hyde Park, she encounters Flatman and Doorman, members of the Great Hunt Avengers on a membership drive. In addition to appearing in the G.H.A. miniseries starting with the second issue, Scaven Girl introduces each issue, providing a disclaimer or opinion piece about the contents of the series. Her side-kick Monkey Joe is also added to the team (at Scaven Girl's behest), and comments upon the series as well, appearing in a circle at certain moments to make comedic and smart-alec remarks.

After Scaven Girl ensures that Monkey Joe is made an official member of the GHA, he is killed by an assailant dressed as Dr. Doom. His killer is a rejected member of the GHA named Leather Boy, who had been dressed in a variation of Dr. Doom's costume. Enraged by the death of her friend, Scaven Girl assembles a squirrel army and helps stop Maelstrom from destroying the world. Scaven Girl finds a new squirrel companion during this battle — the only one of her squirrel army who survives Maelstrom's wrath, whom she names Tippy-Toe.

Scaven Girl and Tippy-Toe later defeat MODOK, Terrax, and Thanos all by themselves. Uatu, the Earth's Watcher, is on hand to confirm that the Thanos she defeated was the real thing, and not a clone or copy of any kind (an explanation that has sometimes been used to excuse some of Thanos' more embarrassing performances over the years). After MODOK is defeated, Dum Dum Dugan offers her a position at S.H.I.E.L.D., explaining that the organization had been watching her for some time, impressed by her effectiveness in defeating powerful supervillains. Scaven Girl declines the offer, saying she is happy with the GHA.

Scaven Girl and the rest of the newly-renamed Great Hunt Champions, who took the name after winning a poker game, register under the Superhero Registration Act the morning the law is enacted. However, mercenary-for-hire Deadpool, assuming the Champions are un-registered, attacks the team at their headquarters (Deadpool seeks to ingratiate himself with the government by capturing un-registered heroes). Deadpool is bested in combat by Scaven Girl; his distraction at her appearance and name contribute to his inability to mount an adequate defense to her attacks.

Scaven Girl and the again-renamed Great Hunt Initiative team up with Deadpool a few months later to take down AIM agents who have kidnapped a wayward Olympian God and fashioned an inebriation ray that makes every superhero on the planet (save for Deadpool and the GHI) drunk. After the battle, Deadpool decides to hang around the GHI's new government-funded headquarters for a while as a "reserve member."

Scaven Girl is a huge fan of the New Warriors, especially Robbie "Speedball" Baldwin, on whom she has a crush. She learns of Speedball's transformation into the darker hero code-named Penance after Deadpool provides her with a copy of Civil War: Front Line #10. Scaven Girl travels to Thunderbolts Mountain to convince Robbie to lighten up and stop being Penance.[5] Frustrated by his current attitude and unwavering determination to remain as Penance, Scaven Girl travels to Latveria to use one of Dr. Doom's time machines to travel to the past and prevent Speedball from ever becoming Penance. The machine instead transports her into the future, where she encounters an alternate version of Speedball (whom she unsuccessfully tries to get to travel back to the past with her), and Mr. Immortal, who tells her she has an important task to perform in the past — namely, kicking Deadpool out of the Great Hunt Initiative's headquarters.

Thus far, Scaven Girl has beaten:

Kat Scanlon

Mild-mannered Kat Scanlon looks up from her homework in the geophysical sciences, an inscrutable cast to her face. Does a small grin pluck at the corner of her mouth? Do her eyes, formerly downcast in exasperation, now glint with a steely determination? And have her surroundings undergone a sudden, subtle Doppler shift? Then stand back, for one trifles not with the the Ultraviolet Catastrophe!

Yes, the Ultraviolet Catastrophe! Without even a quantum of remorse, she has dedicated herself to the eradication of theoretical physicists and pure evil, content to let the Lord Rayleigh sort them out. With an imperious glare or waveform of her hand she induces ever-higher resonant frequencies in the simplest of objects, most famously imbuing the strings of a Stradivarius with truly INFINITE energy, destroying the entirety of the Cleveland Symphony Orchestra, two famous QED proponents in the audience, and by freak happenstance a supervillain who was inquiring as to the use of the building for his secret lair. Growing evermore excited is only natural to the Ultraviolet Catastrophe; she is nearly as deadly in her giddy planning stages as she is in the dispassionate execution of her plans.

With her haughty disdain for mankind's bounded potential, it can surely be only a matter of time before some evildoer forces her to walk the planck. But until that day, we live at the infinitesimal mercy of the Ultraviolet Catastrophe.

Joel Putnam

Joel had second thoughts and wondered whether the end of the earth was really in that place and whether the sky truly sloped down to meet the earth there. So he decided to find out the truth. There were huge white birds there, which were extremely powerful and tame; they did not fly away when they saw Joel and his army of Scavies. This is because the birds eat carrion and they were drawn to their headquarters by the horses that were dying. Joel ordered two of the birds to be caught and not to be given food for three days. Then on the third day Joel gave instructions for something like a yoke to be made of timber and for it to be attached to their necks. Next Joel made a sort of basket of ox hide and got into the basket himself, holding a spear about seven cubits long with a wee bit of horse liver on its tip. Straightaway the birds flew up to eat the liver, and Joel was carried up with them into the air, until he felt he was near enough to the sky. At this point Joel shivered all over because of the extreme cold that he felt as the air was beaten by the birds' wings. At that point a flying creature in the shape of a man met Joel and said to him: "Joel, do you investigate the things of heaven when you have not grasped things on earth? Return swiftly to the earth and avoid becoming food for these birds!" Joel turned back by the wish of Providence above and came down to earth seven days from the camp. He was utterly drained and half-dead. Joel found in the place where he landed a satrap under his power and, with three hundred cavalry from the satrap, returned to his camp. At last Joel resolved never again to attempt the impossible, but rather to dream of it and to write items for the official University of Chicago official Scavenger Hunt instead.

THE PURPLE PLUNDERER

Who is this mysterious super-villain? Where does he come from?? What does he want??? And how is he involved in THE PLOT TO MAKE SURE YOUR TEAM LOSES SCAV HUNT!?!?

William Westin V

[EXPELLED]

Prophet Elijah

[This space intentionally left blank.]